Thank you all. Thank you all for coming. We had along night — and a great night. (Especially my little girls, who successful drank a frat house under the table) .The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory. (I did win, right?)
Earlier today, Senator Kerry (ha ha, not President but Senator, take THAT – pansy man) called with his congratulations. We had a really good phone call, he was very gracious. (‘cause he knows EVERYTHING’s bigger in texas) Senator Kerry waged a spirited campaign, and he and his supporters can be proud of their efforts. Laura and I wish Senator Kerry and Teresa and their whole family (whatever their names are) all our best wishes.
America has spoken, and I'm humbled by the trust and the confidence of my fellow citizens. With that trust comes a duty to serve all Americans, and I will do my best to fulfill that duty every day as your President. (more electrical votes mean I did win, right?)
There are many people to thank, and my family comes first. Laura is the love of my life. (hoping to get some action from this gratuitous show of affection) I'm glad you love her, too. (but she’s mine I tell you, all mine. )I want to thank our daughters, who joined their dad for his last campaign. (and stayed sober long enough to come on stage this morning) I appreciate the hard work of my sister and my brothers. (especially Jeb, you rock dude) I especially want to thank my parents for their loving support. I'm grateful to the Vice President (whatever his name is) and Lynne and their daughters(even the gay one), who have worked so hard and been such a vital part of our team. The Vice President (what the heck is his name… ) serves America with wisdom and honor, and I'm proud to serve beside him.
I want to thank my superb campaign team. I want to thank you all for your hard work. I was impressed every day by how hard and how skillful our team was. (especially in keeping me from knocking that smart ass kerry on his ass) I want to thank Marc — Chairman Marc Racicot and — — the Campaign Manager, Ken Mehlman. (thank god for cue cards) And the architect, Karl Rove.I want to thank Ed Gillespie for leading our Party (party? I told those damned kids… ) so well.
I want to thank the thousands of our supporters across our country. I want to thank you for your hugs (except for that time John Edwards copped a feel, I’ll take your head off if you try that again, fruit-boy) on the rope lines; I want to thank you for your prayers on the rope lines; I want to thank you for your kind words on the rope lines. (I sure liked those rope lines..)I want to thank you for everything you did to make the calls and to put up the signs, to talk to your neighbors and to get out the vote. And because you did the incredible work, we are celebrating today. (and partially because of an evil right wing plot to bioengineer a flu that only effect democrats on election day, he he he )
There's an old saying, "Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks." (or was that don’t pee upwind? I always get those two confused) In four historic years, America has been given great tasks, and faced them with strength and courage. Our people have restored the vigor of this economy, and shown resolve and patience in a new kind of war. (you know.. a new kind of war, the kind where ultra liberal wieners use it as a political tool to try to control the white house) Our military has brought justice to the enemy, and honor to America. (their kickin’ ass and takin’ names, too) Our nation has defended itself, and served the freedom of all mankind. I'm proud to lead such an amazing country, and I'm proud to lead it forward.
Because we have done the hard work, we are entering a season of hope. We'll continue our economic progress. We'll reform our outdated tax code. (that’s the thing you enter when you efile) We'll strengthen the Social Security for the next generation. (because paper social security cards just don’t hold up over time) We'll make public schools all they can be. And we will uphold our deepest values of family and faith.
We will help the emerging democracies of Iraq and Afghanistan — (even if I have to add two stars to the American flag to do so) so they can grow in strength and defend their freedom. And then our servicemen and women will come home with the honor they have earned. (and you liberal wieners will get off your asses and finally support our troops instead of whining about the acts of violence brought on by insurgents)
With good allies at our side, we will fight this war on terror with every resource of our national power so our children can live in freedom and in peace. (and not worry about psychotic freakbags like osama what’s his face) Reaching these goals will require the broad support of Americans. So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent: (you know, the guy with the Leno chin and botox addiction) To make this nation stronger and better I will need your support, and I will work to earn it. I will do all I can do to deserve your trust. A new term is a new opportunity to reach out to the whole nation. We have one country, one Constitution and one future that binds us. And when we come together and work together, there is no limit to the greatness of America. (if you don’t like it, move your ass to Canada or France)