Put yourself in my shoes.
Scenario 1
Standing at the casket of my Great Aunt Suzie, I stare fondly at her warm smile and ponder quietly childhood memories playing board games and enjoying home-made cookies and lemonade in the summertime. Just then, I’m jolted back to reality by my untactful 2nd-cousin Jed, who hopefully asks in a country accent “You werk wit computers, riiight? My computers’ doin’ the darn’d’est thing…”
Scenario 2
After working 80 hours on a software release and returning from a 6 hour flight, I stumble tiredly into my house. With my laptop and garment bag sitting on floor where I dropped them upon entering the house I check my voicemail. 1 telemarketer, 2 calls from Mediacom stating they are ready to install my new TiVO, anytime between 8-5 Monday through Friday and 4 calls from a cousin-in-law about the new DVD Writer they bought, asking how to install it.
Scenario 3
After successfully lobbying to keep Star Trek: Enterprise on the air in a doomed timeslot (9:00 PM – Friday) on a doomed network (UPN), I sit down to enjoy the season premier and finally experience how the crew of the first Enterprise will escape the cliffhanger ending of the previous season’s finale. 10 minutes into the show, my phone rings. Some obscure friend-of-a-relative is on the phone, torqued that Incredimail no longer works correctly when opening an email that contains a virus attachment. Evidently, before I installed an antivirus program the weekend previous, Incredimail had no problems opening emails ridden with viruses. The caller is livid that I put things back the way they were.
I speak to programmers, database administrators and network administrators all of the time that tell humorous stories about the poorly timed and communicated computer repair requests of friends and families that usually only call for the purpose of free computer consultation. If you are reading this and you ask family members to fix your computer(s) – I PROMISE – they are irritated by these requests and probably inundated to the point they could never keep up with the requests. Below is some perspective from our side of this exchange. Please consider it.
Prequalification for computer help
1) Have you called me for any reason other than technical questions since the last time I repaired your PC?
2) Did you send me a card for Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa in the last 24 months?
3) Did you send me a birthday card or call to wish me a pleasant birthday in the last 24 months?
4) Did you buy the PC I recommended?
5) Did you follow my repair advice?
6) Do you know my title?
7) Do you know how old I am?
8) Do you know my middle name?
9) If I died today, would you attend my funeral?
10) Think of your relation to me. At hallmark stores, in the card sections, under birthdays – is this relation listed with a group of cards associated with it?
(Quick Tip: Cousin – YES, Cousin-In-Law twice removed – NO.)
If you answered NO to more than half of the above questions, odds are good that you have exceeded your free-computer-repair-and-advice-from-Bill karma points. It is advisable that you reference your local computer store (try the yellow pages) for computer repair advice. These stores will often offer phone consultation (grudgingly) for free. Most repairs cost between $50 and $100 in labor charges.
Telephone Etiquette
Interesting Fact:
77% of American families eat supper between 7:00 P.M.-8:00 PM.
Source: American Statistical Association (http://www.amstat.org)
Before you call
1) Check the clock. Is it between 7 and 8 PM? While your inability to download the latest animal blooper video over your dial up connection is an inconvenience to you, it does not constitute a dinnertime emergency† for me.
2) Think to yourself: Is Bill the only computer-savvy person I know?
3) Think to yourself: Am I asking too much of my 10 year old computer?
4) Have you scanned for viruses? Freebie: (http://housecall.trendmicro.com/)
a) Have you updated the definitions in the last 30 days, like I advised you?
5) Have you downloaded and used a spyware/malware removal tool?
Freebie: (http://www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/)
a) Have you updated the definitions in the last 30 days, like I advised you?
6) Say out loud to self: “Since Bill is gracious enough to take the time to help me with my computer problem, I will not argue with the advice he so kindly dispenses.”
7) Are you running Windows ME? There is no help for your PC. Box up - sell on eBay for $5.
8) If you wake me up – not only will I not fix your PC but I will enroll you for every Male Enhancement, Breast Implant, Personals and Real Estate spam list on the internet in addition to penciling your name and phone number on truck stop bathroom walls.
During the Call
1) Please start the call with some form of small talk, such as “Hello”, “Howdy”, “Whassup?” or “Yo, Shizzle.” This at least gives me the false impression that you actually care enough to be somewhat courteous and are not just using me for free computer repair advice.
2) Listen carefully for the frustrated sound of a fork digging into a plate or for loud chewing in the phone. It isn’t that I am this rude – this is a hint. Now you know.
3) Even though you will likely ignore every piece of advice I give you, at least give me the false impression that you will at least consider the advice that I freely give from my 18 years of computer repair experience.
4) Just because I hear your voice doesn’t mean I can diagnose your computer over the phone. Usually it is necessary to “look around” the computer setup to accurately troubleshoot a problem. Most mechanics can not fix your car over the phone.
5) If I say, “Great, bring the tower to me and I will take a look at it.” – the appropriate answer is – not “no”. Definitely the right answer is not “No, you come here.” Really, it’s enough that you are unwilling to pay a computer store to fix your PC, do you really expect me to do a house call? Does your mechanic come to your driveway to fix your car?
After the Call
1) Take my advice. I’ve been fixing PC’s since I was 7. I may not always be right, but I’m usually not far off.
2) Computer still broken? I offer a 100% refund on all freely issued computer repair work and advice.
†Definition: Dinner Time Emergency
(Pronunciation: 'di-n&r-tIm i-'m&r-j&nt-sE)
An urgent need for assistance or relief that occurs during the customary time an individual would eat dinner. A dinnertime emergency will usually result in premature completion of dinnertime activities in lieu of attending to said emergency.
Having Henry Ford Change Your Tires
Fun Fact:
I am a Sr. Level Software Developer, creating enterprise-level multi-tier database driven applications in team and JAD development environments for the Healthcare, Manufacturing and Telecommunications industries. What does this mean? I make software. Making software is very different from building and repairing PCs.
Dollars and Sense
PC Technician - Average Salary: $34,097 ($16/hr)
Sr. Computer Programmer - Average Salary: $90,897 ($43/hr)
(Source: Salary.Com, Adjusted for Zip Code 36567)
Fixing PCs, for me – isn’t about money. Offering me $50 to have me make your 10 year old computer emulate Pixar’s $50 million render farm for 3D animation is like offering a mechanic $50 to make your car fly.
At any given time I am working on at least two freelance hourly programming jobs, each paying a minimum of $65/hr. When I fix your PC, I will do it for free because I’m cool that way – but I am taking from time that I could be billing a company to help pay my bills, put my kid through college or install that indoor pool you could come swim in. More-so this is taking from time I could spend being with the people I love or doing the things I enjoy. While asking me to fix your computer as a favor DO NOT be an asshole about it. If you give me attitude about working on your computer for free – I will return your PC as a virus-infected crumbled, melted ball of steel, rubber and glass.
Summary
At peak, I often have 20 people asking that I fix their PCs at one time. Most are simple jobs and many of these people (you know who you are) – I not only welcome the requests but enjoy the opportunity to help them in some way – as they have helped me & Dina over the years repetitively. What little I can help, I’m willing to try.
It is funny, that no one actually realizes that I don’t fix PCs for a living. Just once, it would be cool for a relative to call and say, “Bill, I was reading about Visual Studio .Net 2005 and it’s implementation of generics, how will this affect the OO design of my classes moving forward?”
Aside from this, I do sit behind a desk doing computer work all week. I’m very good at installing car stereos, building RC Cars, Trucks, Planes and Helis and working on jetskis – by all means please feel free to call me if you need help in these areas as they are a departure from my 8-5 career.
And for the love of god – do not offer me money. No amount of money you could conjure up is worth my weekend and evenings. I’ll help you to be helpful but leave cash out of it.
We can barter. Are you a mechanic? Work on my car. Are you a good painter? I’ll rebuild your PC – you paint a room in my house.
Bill Dodd
mcp, mcsd, mcsd, mcdba