Apr
10
Written by:
anomaly
4/10/2005 9:24 PM
Put yourself in my shoes.
Scenario 1
Standing at the casket of my Great Aunt Suzie, I stare fondly at her warm smile and ponder quietly childhood memories playing board games and enjoying home-made cookies and lemonade in the summertime. Just then, I’m jolted back to reality by my untactful 2nd-cousin Jed, who hopefully asks in a country accent “You werk wit computers, riiight? My computers’ doin’ the darn’d’est thing…”
Scenario 2
After working 80 hours on a software release and returning from a 6 hour flight, I stumble tiredly into my house. With my laptop and garment bag sitting on floor where I dropped them upon entering the house I check my voicemail. 1 telemarketer, 2 calls from Mediacom stating they are ready to install my new TiVO, anytime between 8-5 Monday through Friday and 4 calls from a cousin-in-law about the new DVD Writer they bought, asking how to install it.
Scenario 3
After successfully lobbying to keep Star Trek: Enterprise on the air in a doomed timeslot (9:00 PM – Friday) on a doomed network (UPN), I sit down to enjoy the season premier and finally experience how the crew of the first Enterprise will escape the cliffhanger ending of the previous season’s finale. 10 minutes into the show, my phone rings. Some obscure friend-of-a-relative is on the phone, torqued that Incredimail no longer works correctly when opening an email that contains a virus attachment. Evidently, before I installed an antivirus program the weekend previous, Incredimail had no problems opening emails ridden with viruses. The caller is livid that I put things back the way they were.
I speak to programmers, database administrators and network administrators all of the time that tell humorous stories about the poorly timed and communicated computer repair requests of friends and families that usually only call for the purpose of free computer consultation. If you are reading this and you ask family members to fix your computer(s) – I PROMISE – they are irritated by these requests and probably inundated to the point they could never keep up with the requests. Below is some perspective from our side of this exchange. Please consider it.
Prequalification for computer help
1) Have you called me for any reason other than technical questions since the last time I repaired your PC?
2) Did you send me a card for Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa in the last 24 months?
3) Did you send me a birthday card or call to wish me a pleasant birthday in the last 24 months?
4) Did you buy the PC I recommended?
5) Did you follow my repair advice?
6) Do you know my title?
7) Do you know how old I am?
8) Do you know my middle name?
9) If I died today, would you attend my funeral?
10) Think of your relation to me. At hallmark stores, in the card sections, under birthdays – is this relation listed with a group of cards associated with it?
(Quick Tip: Cousin – YES, Cousin-In-Law twice removed – NO.)
If you answered NO to more than half of the above questions, odds are good that you have exceeded your free-computer-repair-and-advice-from-Bill karma points. It is advisable that you reference your local computer store (try the yellow pages) for computer repair advice. These stores will often offer phone consultation (grudgingly) for free. Most repairs cost between $50 and $100 in labor charges.
Telephone Etiquette
Interesting Fact:
77% of American families eat supper between 7:00 P.M.-8:00 PM.
Source: American Statistical Association (http://www.amstat.org)
Before you call
1) Check the clock. Is it between 7 and 8 PM? While your inability to download the latest animal blooper video over your dial up connection is an inconvenience to you, it does not constitute a dinnertime emergency† for me.
2) Think to yourself: Is Bill the only computer-savvy person I know?
3) Think to yourself: Am I asking too much of my 10 year old computer?
4) Have you scanned for viruses? Freebie: (http://housecall.trendmicro.com/)
a) Have you updated the definitions in the last 30 days, like I advised you?
5) Have you downloaded and used a spyware/malware removal tool?
Freebie: (http://www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/)
a) Have you updated the definitions in the last 30 days, like I advised you?
6) Say out loud to self: “Since Bill is gracious enough to take the time to help me with my computer problem, I will not argue with the advice he so kindly dispenses.”
7) Are you running Windows ME? There is no help for your PC. Box up - sell on eBay for $5.
8) If you wake me up – not only will I not fix your PC but I will enroll you for every Male Enhancement, Breast Implant, Personals and Real Estate spam list on the internet in addition to penciling your name and phone number on truck stop bathroom walls.
During the Call
1) Please start the call with some form of small talk, such as “Hello”, “Howdy”, “Whassup?” or “Yo, Shizzle.” This at least gives me the false impression that you actually care enough to be somewhat courteous and are not just using me for free computer repair advice.
2) Listen carefully for the frustrated sound of a fork digging into a plate or for loud chewing in the phone. It isn’t that I am this rude – this is a hint. Now you know.
3) Even though you will likely ignore every piece of advice I give you, at least give me the false impression that you will at least consider the advice that I freely give from my 18 years of computer repair experience.
4) Just because I hear your voice doesn’t mean I can diagnose your computer over the phone. Usually it is necessary to “look around” the computer setup to accurately troubleshoot a problem. Most mechanics can not fix your car over the phone.
5) If I say, “Great, bring the tower to me and I will take a look at it.” – the appropriate answer is – not “no”. Definitely the right answer is not “No, you come here.” Really, it’s enough that you are unwilling to pay a computer store to fix your PC, do you really expect me to do a house call? Does your mechanic come to your driveway to fix your car?
After the Call
1) Take my advice. I’ve been fixing PC’s since I was 7. I may not always be right, but I’m usually not far off.
2) Computer still broken? I offer a 100% refund on all freely issued computer repair work and advice.
†Definition: Dinner Time Emergency
(Pronunciation: 'di-n&r-tIm i-'m&r-j&nt-sE)
An urgent need for assistance or relief that occurs during the customary time an individual would eat dinner. A dinnertime emergency will usually result in premature completion of dinnertime activities in lieu of attending to said emergency.
Having Henry Ford Change Your Tires
Fun Fact:
I am a Sr. Level Software Developer, creating enterprise-level multi-tier database driven applications in team and JAD development environments for the Healthcare, Manufacturing and Telecommunications industries. What does this mean? I make software. Making software is very different from building and repairing PCs.
Dollars and Sense
PC Technician - Average Salary: $34,097 ($16/hr)
Sr. Computer Programmer - Average Salary: $90,897 ($43/hr)
(Source: Salary.Com, Adjusted for Zip Code 36567)
Fixing PCs, for me – isn’t about money. Offering me $50 to have me make your 10 year old computer emulate Pixar’s $50 million render farm for 3D animation is like offering a mechanic $50 to make your car fly.
At any given time I am working on at least two freelance hourly programming jobs, each paying a minimum of $65/hr. When I fix your PC, I will do it for free because I’m cool that way – but I am taking from time that I could be billing a company to help pay my bills, put my kid through college or install that indoor pool you could come swim in. More-so this is taking from time I could spend being with the people I love or doing the things I enjoy. While asking me to fix your computer as a favor DO NOT be an asshole about it. If you give me attitude about working on your computer for free – I will return your PC as a virus-infected crumbled, melted ball of steel, rubber and glass.
Summary
At peak, I often have 20 people asking that I fix their PCs at one time. Most are simple jobs and many of these people (you know who you are) – I not only welcome the requests but enjoy the opportunity to help them in some way – as they have helped me & Dina over the years repetitively. What little I can help, I’m willing to try.
It is funny, that no one actually realizes that I don’t fix PCs for a living. Just once, it would be cool for a relative to call and say, “Bill, I was reading about Visual Studio .Net 2005 and it’s implementation of generics, how will this affect the OO design of my classes moving forward?”
Aside from this, I do sit behind a desk doing computer work all week. I’m very good at installing car stereos, building RC Cars, Trucks, Planes and Helis and working on jetskis – by all means please feel free to call me if you need help in these areas as they are a departure from my 8-5 career.
And for the love of god – do not offer me money. No amount of money you could conjure up is worth my weekend and evenings. I’ll help you to be helpful but leave cash out of it.
We can barter. Are you a mechanic? Work on my car. Are you a good painter? I’ll rebuild your PC – you paint a room in my house.
Bill Dodd
mcp, mcsd, mcsd, mcdba
36 comment(s) so far...
Will I Work On Your Computer?
Amen, brother.
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 1:32 AM
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Will I Work On Your Computer?
Just to be difficult, I'm going to go ahead and expose the best way to actually get you to volunteer to fix their computers.
Deadbeat relatives harken: Bring up your trouble with the machine in conversation without asking for assistance. Then reference a mythical "computer expert" that you had come over to work on it for you. The tech savvy relative will then a) feel slighted that he wasn't asked to fix it first, and b) be convinced that the "expert" couldn't possibly know as much as him, which will compel him to look at the computer and see what the "expert" did wrong. Once he's behind the keyboard, the overinflated ego that comes with being tech savvy will keep your saviour in his seat until the problem is fixed ;)
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 5:44 AM
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Will I Work On Your Computer?
Anomaly, Will you work on my computer? Its making a "Beep Beep Boop Beep Blip Blip" sound when I start it. It didnt do that back in '94 when I bought it... Its still a performance machine. If I pay you $25 bucks, can you come over and buy pizza for me to eat while you fix it?
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 1:32 AM
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If I've said it once...
... I've said it twice - Friends and Family fuck you. Take my advice, get rid of both...
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 7:17 AM
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Will I Work On Your Computer?
Wait... I'm not dead....
-Great Aunt Suzie
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 7:24 AM
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Video Game Time
Even more important than dinnertime is video game time. Though to you running around killing little monsters on an LCD screen for 4 hours a night may seem far less important than the computer problem you called to interrupt with, this may in fact be the only thing keeping this person from making this an AFK (IRL) activity, with the bounty on your head.
Consider this: Are you an accountant? Do you want to spend your freetime preparing taxes? Are you an auto mechanic? Do you want to spend all your freetime changing oil and repairing cars (your own cars not included).
I am fortunate that I (like Bill) have been able to enter into a profession that I enjoy to do while doing it. If I am going to do computer work in my evenings and on my weekends, it is going to be my own personal computer/website/program, and not yours. For the love of God, ask your 12-year old relative to fix it, or break down and call tech support. My ego is not so overenflated anymore (like when I was 12) that I need to fix your computer to prove that I am a "computer expert". I make a living off of computers - my ego is satisfied at this point in my life.
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 7:57 AM
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Will I Work On Your Computer?
Don't forget, if I build you a machine, I already suggested you buy a dell because they will support it. I have other obligations. I might answer questions or help you out, but around the time I figure out your motherboard is bad, you may very well have to take some action yourself, like sending the f* thing in and paying for all the shipping there and back.
Also, don't call me about your work machine either. When your complicated mathmatical suite causes excel to crash, YOU call the guy YOUR COMPANY hired to support your machine. If that guy doesn't know his disk drive from his USB port, or if he is "really busy" I couldn't care less. It makes me think you and your company deserve to have problems, and if I help you I will be disturbing the natural order of things.
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 8:10 AM
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Really, I'm not dead
I'm not kidding, I'm still alive. Speaking of alive.. My computer is slow, can you speed it up for me?
-Great Aunt Suzie
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 8:31 AM
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Will I Work On Your Computer?
This blog is not displaying properly on my Commodore 64. Come by sometime between 7 and 8 tonight and fix it for me?
Thanks,
John (Your second cousin once removed's stepmother's first husband's illegitimate daughter's dog's previous owner's neighbor down the street)
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 9:34 AM
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Will you girls whine alittle more?
There is nothing like a bunch of diehard computer fags whining like a bunch of girls in a sorority house during menstrual week.
It's my turn now.......
You girls have nothing on me. I went to freaking college for 4 years only to graduate and 'think' I was going to be a programmer or SA. No, I got a job on a HELL DESK. See if you will: Insurance Co, 800+ employees....... 4 (yes, four) desktop support personnel. Now tell me that you wouldn't want to murder any person that called you after work about PC problems. But had those people... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE FUTURE FATHER-in-LAW, BROTHER, and etc. That job made me want to leave IT forever. However with a little luck and dirt gathering I was able to blackmail my way into IT Security. I had delusions of grandeur. Finally I can say I no longer work in support. I can shed these leeches that have attached their blood sucking bodies to my brain........ yeah right.
I'll continue this diatribe on my blog. Link posted later.
By Anonymous on
4/12/2005 12:12 PM
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Re: Will I Work On Your Computer?
That may be the funniest thing I've ever read.
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